Arguments in a relations

I think we can all agree that they suck. Here is what I am struggling with, we can all be wrong, we both can be right. I remember in my logic class in college, my Professor said, “You can’t make a logical proof for an emotional argument. Emotions are not logical and no follow the law of logic.” I always think about this when I feel I am being overly emotional about a logical problem. Relationship though, that is the ultimate quandary. They are emotional based no matter what you say, so how can you think something through with logic for something so illogically? We can all know and see our mistake, we can see our partner’s mistakes. We can be highly critical of both. How do you step back and lot at this from all perspective with feeling like you are the wronged party or the other person is wrong.

The point I want to get to in my life is to acknowledge my mistake and my partner’s so we can both learn from them and find a compromise. I don’t want to win, I don’t even want to feel like I am right.

We think of arguments as one side, the right one and the wrong one. That isn’t always the case. I don’t want to think that way, especially when I can see my own mistakes or missteps. “You hurt the ones you love,” right? Because we know their raw spots. We know just were to poke to get a reaction and then we have to set there and wonder why we wanted that reaction.  Was it even the right reaction even if it was an over reaction?

I have an argument with my husband. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid, but I was frustrated with the situation.We both know we have problems with communications sometimes, it’s hard to put raw emotions into words without throwing blame. Blame is an awful thing. It scars us. I don’t want that. Then sometimes when you say what you really mean, it doesn’t just scar, it slashes. It cuts so deep you pray the other person recovers from it. “I wish I was worth you being late.” After our argument from the night before, it infuriated. I know it did.

Finding the right words in the moment feels impossible.

I want to talk about our issues. I apologize and now I wait in limbo for my husband to be ready to talk when I get home because he doesn’t want to talk via text. We wants to talk face to face. I understand  that, but also more worried about it. As a child of divorce and seeing so many of my friends and family going through this right now, it’s hard not to feel like I am going through a panic attack every time I have a fight with my husband. Terrified that this is going to be it and he is going to be done with me for do. There aren’t really grounds for that, we pretty solid about 90% of the time, which I always feel it pretty damn good for a couple that has been together for 7 years, married to 4. It’s my biggest fear rising it’s ugly head once again.

I was thinking about all this this morning and I had a funny though. My husband and I play a lot of tabletop RPG’s. He is usually the game master, but I try every once in a while, really so he can play. I read quite a bit about how to run a good game while I first started, (and try and continue), and really here is what you are trying to do: You are not there to kill your characters, you are not there to “win,” you are there to tell a story.

I am trying to tell a story. I am trying to tell the best story, with all the right decisions. I am not trying to spring trap, I am no there to sabotage. I do want to keep it interesting, but not to frustrate or anger. I will get angry, I will have bad days. My feelings are valid, but not always right and should not be directed at the object of my affection.

I need to find a way to not patch it, but actually repair the mistakes I have made. To not only talk it through, but really feel like there is going to be some change in the future.

When I was getting married I was super nervous as someone who said I would never get married, (see fear of abandonment above), so I solicited advice from all the females in my family about how to have a good marriage. I have tried to keep what they all said in mind, the biggest one was “don’t go to bed angry,” which I have done and it is not good. The one I always have to remind myself about is, “you don’t have to be right.” Do you want to be right or happy? I’d rather be happy, but I don’t want that sense of wrong to fester either, build.

When I was a kid I was really good at bottling up my emotions until they exploded. Not a healthy way to live. Definitely not a good way to stay married.

The thing I keep getting stuck on is saying “I’m sorry.” I get frustrated by my own saying it, but feel guilty when I don’t.  Why frustrated? I was raised to say I am sorry when I do something wrong. I am used to the other person apologizing too for their part of the argument. I’m like shaking hands to say we’re go. When my husband says “okay” to my apology, it gets me all worked up again. I don’t want him to apologize because he feels obligated to do so, but because he actually want to. He wants to know that we have both forgiven and can move past this problem. I need to express that to him tonight. I really not sure what he is going to say and I think that is way I have a belly ache.

I don’t have a lot of friends and most of them are friends with him to. Some I don’t think will have the same derision I do when it comes to sensitive topics like my love life. I used to be far more open about those things, but maybe it’s because I am older or I have been burned to many times by people sharing things I did not want them to share. I want to talk to someone, but I really don’t know who and I need to talk to him.  Six hours before I can go home and do so. This is going to be a very, very long day. Try to be good at work and not get too distracted. Needed to get that out. Try and be better. Hope for the best from this.


Alien Bodies – Part I Respectfully Objectified

I am about to tackle a beast. This isn’t particular subject isn’t just about men vs. women, this is also women vs. women and woman vs. herself.

This is a lot of ground to cover and there is a lot of over. As women we have been put in a strange position, by ourselves and the media about our bodies and we’re at war on all fronts. It’s terrible, I don’t have any other word for it. So the best way I can think to put it is a commonly used term; objectified.

About four years ago know, I was working a desk job and I realized, I wasn’t healthy. I looked up what I was supposed to weight for my height, I was over. About 30 pounds over. I was upset with myself, so I signed up for a gym. I started going three times a week for an hour to an hour and half. I did some light weight training, some of the designed training they had blocks off. My favorite was the elliptical machine, I would try to do 3 miles on the treadmill if I could. I also did half an hour of yoga ever morning. I felt good. Funny thing was, I didn’t loose any weight. I did this for two years… I weighted the same. I had converted all my fat into muscle, but I was still technique over weight. It killed me. I did drop a pant size, and funny enough my boobs got bigger, but I was over weight. My BMI was healthy for my size though. It was confusing. That is when I came to the conclusion, fuck it, I feel good. Most of my life my family had given me passive aggressive jabs about how I didn’t work out enough, how I wasn’t health and I was overweight. When I was in high school I weighted way less, I walk about 8-12 miles every day, carried a 50 pound backpack and did an hour dance class 4 days a week. They still didn’t think I was working out enough. Seriously? I still want to glare at my family from the past. I could have gone down the road many of my friends did, the calorie counters, the girls I knew who had major body image issues. Even then those, I just wanted to comfortable in my own body. For the most part I have succeeded.

There is this part of me that looks at all of this and say the only way I can look at the issue of the female form is in a objectified manner because I have to be methodical about it and look at this issue from all sides, though it hard to not get emotional about it. There have been so many studies showing how women have been programmed from a young age by our mothers and other women in our lives to look at our bodies and hate them  to some extent. Dove did a particular powerful piece about this. Whether it is intentional or not, why are we being programmed to hate your own body?  It can’t be healthy. The whole thing only gets worse when you start to go through puberty and you start to feel like an alien inhabiting the wrong body.

I was the first one of my friends who got their period, it was awful, (nothing like this). My Mom was out of town and my Dad and Step-Mom had to deal with it. Even though I knew what a period was, I still remember the shock of going to the bathroom and seeing blood in my panties and the bowl. You never really think it’s going to happen to you until it does. I had had a rather shocking experience when I was 8 and my Mom didn’t flushed when she left the bathroom, I thought she was bleeding to death. So yes, when I turned 11 and I saw the blood, I still didn’t put two and two together. I just knew I was bleeding. My Step-Mom took me to the store, got me some pads, and bought me some fancy facial wash. It was awkward but I appropriate what she was trying to do for me. My Dad sailed through like a champ, he took me to my first OBG/YN appointment. He was open and talk to me about it. When at 13 they realized they needed to put me on birth control due to a hormonal imbalance, he saw me through this as well. I was very very lucky.

Then there is this shame aspect of puberty, it doesn’t make sense to me. Like in Nepal. Forced to sleep outside because you’re unclean? The hell kind of message is that? I was not made to feel a shamed in any way. I know in the some of the United States they have a class around middle school age when they teach the basics of what happens to your body it is no less terrifying and it’s not like your teachers can tell you what a beautiful and wonderful thing it is. Even if you does, you come to know sooner rather than later, it’s a load of bollocks.

Two of the biggest memories that still stand out to me about shame are two. They are both about girls I went to middle school with. The first one was a girl named Beth, we had PE together. We had to change out of our clothing and one day she told me she was on her period and did I have anything? Of course it was common knowledge that I had already gotten mine. People asked and when other girls wanted to know about the experience I didn’t feel discomfort talking about it. I didn’t see anything reason not to be open. Beth told me that she had lost her hymen when she was 10 because on hitting her pelvis and almost breaking in on a fence post. I still think that was weird. The second story, still hurts thinking about it. I didn’t know the girl, I knew she was larger, a little slow and rather unpopular. I was leaving the lunch room and this poor girl have a massive blood stain on the back of jeans skirt. I remember all these people pointing and laughing and I just remember standing there staring in a state of dread. I kept thinking, I should go up to her, I should tell her. I should give her one my of pads. She even had a small trail of blood. It was terrible. The school nurse same out and took her to her office. I felt so sick for the rest of the day, that could have happened to me. I could only image how that would scared her for the rest of her life. I didn’t know if it was her first, if she simply didn’t know or if she was somehow shamed of what happened.

The whole point of this story is that I don’t know if this girl ever got over it. If she ever got comfortable in her body. There is something so terrible about feeling like your own body is betraying you. Which brings us to the point of body image. There has been some major steps in the right direction lately, but it is going to take a lot of work to turn this all around.

It’s both sad and frustrating to watch how brain washing children about this idea of the “perfect body” at a young age, boys and girls. Ladies and gentlemen, yes, we have gotten to it, Barbie and Ken. I played with Barbies when I was younger, I did think, “I don’t look like that.” But I never thought I had to look like that either. I feel like it had gotten so much worse though with Brat Dolls and Monster High dolls. I though that Barbie was bad, but what the ever loving hell is that about? I really love what one mother’s solution to this absurdity was. Personally I think even the dolls removal of makeup speaks volumes as I think it does with women as well.

The implications behind makeup is unnerving. That we’re not beautiful enough without it. That we’re somehow broke and makeup covers it up. Why are be told we’re broken? I personally kind of hate make up. I do get a lot of compliments when I actually do wear it, but on a daily bases, that shit just does not fly for me. Not only is it the time or the fact that I rub my eyes all the time, but to me make up was always about making something a little more special. When I was 7 I had a babysitter who told me, “if it looks like you’re wearing make up, you’re doing it wrong.” I took that to hear, but then I really though, what is the point of makeup? Is it weird that it becomes an armor for some women? Yes that it weird to me. Is it even weird about those stories you hear where women do everything they possible can to never been seen without make up? Even stranger. Are you actually truly naked with make up on? Do people ever actually get to see the real you?

That is really what it boils down to isn’t it? Being you. Letting people love you for your flaws. All of them. Seeing then and accepting them.

This is where I loose some people; I think that is why some people go under the knife: They don’t feel like they’re loved or deserve love as they are. It sound bizarre to say, but I lost a friend to plastic surgery. That sounds dramatic and no, she is not actually dead. She is alive and walking around, (though I have heard a number of stories about being dieding under anesthesia for an elective surgery), but I don’t know her anymore. I always thought she was beautiful, she was a dancer – of the exotic variety – and she was sucked into the life style. A life style that told her that her beast weren’t right, her ass was too flat and her lips needed to be bigger. Why? She was gorgeous as was. I didn’t understand when she started talking to me about it. She said I couldn’t understand because I was a “pixie little goddess.” Yes I am short, yes I have curves, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t understand not feeling right or at home in my own body. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when at 12 my English teacher told me to suck in me belly. It doesn’t mean I don’t get angry when I see or hear other people shaming  other women for their body type. I worked very hard to be comfortable where I am. I still have doubt about myself, I am not as invincible as people perceive me as, I took a lot of hits before I even build that shield. I guess she never got there, she had too many people teller her she was wrong. Wrong about your own body? It’s the only one you have! She was kind of right though, I couldn’t and can’t understand it.

I understand transgender more than I understand people who don’t feel good enough and destroy their own bodies to get where they think they need to be. Is it because be make these impossible expectations?

It’s all so hard to watch.

The whole point is, beautiful is malleable.  To super cliche, it’s in the eye of the beholder.  Have you ever had the moment when you’re known somebody for a while and you though they were okay looking and then one day you look at them and realize they’re absolutely stunning? It has happened to me a couple times in my life and it’s funny to think about. Nothing about that person has change, yet suddenly there is this shift. Maybe it’s just how to feel about that person has change or you see something in them that has always been there, but you are just now realizing.

Everybody has their own beauty. Sometimes it is harder to see it in ourselves or understand where others are coming from.


Feminism Follow Up

I am still trying to sort out how I feel about this. I was once again wondering around the internet when within a hour of each other I found this wonderful talk between Emma Watson and Malala Yousafzai and then, Lauren Southern’s Why I am not a Feminist.

It was such a bizarre juxtapose to come across in such a short period of time. What’s I found funny about Lauren’s post about men being victims is that this is part of what Emma was talking about in her UN address back in September of 2014. Yes men and absolutely victims as well. Equally it about getting to that point, about seeing that men can be and are in the same position as women. So that’s the thing Lauren, Feminist is supposed to by a synonym of Equality. That is what is trying to happen.

I tried to watch some of Lauren’s other videos and I couldn’t really make it through. One in particular about how we aren’t living in a rape culture… While yes the situation is far worse in other places in the world, the United States in particular, still has far to go. Including making people more aware of male rape, the women can be the aggressors and rapists. Men have to be willing to step up to this as well on both sides. I am not sitting here trying to blame anyone, but if you don’t speak out, how can anybody know what’s happening? How can we help?

A great friend of mine had my sign up for an awareness day, it was a Day of Silence. I walked around all day with a shirt that say, “Silence can kill” I didn’t speak for 24 hours. It was incredibly difficult, I let all of my teachers know the day before I did it and still I had people come up and try to get my to talk. I had flyers explaining what I was doing. Some of them thought it was funny. I had one girl come up and hug me. I had other people rip up the papers in my face and tell me I was going to hell. It made it that much harder to realize that there are people out there who do stay silent for whatever reason voluntary. It could be out of fear or…I don’t know what else it could be, mistaken love or shame. I don’t feel like people should have to be ashamed of who they are.

I also ran into this, I believe this woman as very right so say “fuck off, why should I smile?”  I’ve been in this position before, working at a fair with an inebriated person, or on public transportation come up to me and tell me I should smile. I couple times, I might of smiled back because it almost seemed like a compliment, but when you’re tired, been working a long day and you just want to be left alone, no matter who are you, you should have a right so say fuck off in any manner you please.

I have also been in the position of, should I stay or should I go now? Should I stay and deal with this shit storm, (aka my decisions to get into fights on the internet) ? Or is it better and safer for me just to walk away?

In one particularly stupid moment of my teen years, I very nearly got into a fight at the mall, (yes for a short period of time I was a mall rat forgive me), this guy though my friend was eyeballing him, he was gay, he was checking him out. While my friend wasn’t an aggressive person, I wasn’t having much of this guys shit. Him and his girlfriends started to yell at me. At this time I was a little punk kid, I had not problem throwing down, but I got lucky. Basically this guy who was older who overheard the whole thing and distracted long enough for me to realize this was stupid and we needed to leave. I looked over and say my Dad pulling up to pick me and my friend up, so was walked away without being noticed. It could have put myself in a terrible situation that day, three on one is never a very good thing, but I used to be a little bit of a hot head. I had been so angry for that time, but I could have done some truly stupid things.

Tangent:1, back to the topic.

It’s so disheartening to see some of this, there is so much hope in this world and we forgot about what we could be possible. One bad apple as the saying goes.

Last night also got an email about the cancellation of the Harassment Online panel for SXSW, there is a women who is trying to reach out to females to express their reaction and frustrations with this event.(It should be noted now that they is discussions there might be for a online seminar for this subject). It was strange that my first thought was conflicted, mostly because I don’t do a lot of online gaming. I am more of a tabletop, RPG, board gaming girl. I have definitely experienced online harassment as a woman. I have played a couple games where I declined to use a mic because I didn’t want to deal with the fall out of the, “ooo a girl!” I haven’t decided if I am going to contact them or not. I am not sure if my experiences are what they’re looking for. There is a brilliant book out there that deals with some of things, which is amazing if your interested, For the Win by Cory Doctorow.

Sometimes I sit here thinking how trivial all of this sounds, but then I think about what this world might be like if I just watched the world go by.

I also like to think about what if we just removed gender come our lives completely, just like a twilight zone episode, you wake but and anybody is androgynous. How would our culture be completely thrown for a loop? Well I mean how would our perceptions just change? What would become our priorities? It was really funny last night I was lucky enough to go to Star Talk Live, it was pretty amazing. They were talking about creativity about our brains works. Towards the end one of this wonderful talk, one of the panelests, a female professor said, “Well you know, so much of our brain space is taken up by sex.” How much of our brain exactly she didn’t go into it, but it’s true. It’s apart of our base instincts to think about sex and reproduction, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. And I mean come on, women think about sex just as much as men, we just think of it with a different view.

I guess my round about question is, when did that shift happen? When did gender roles start to become mandatory? I can’t really see a cave person going, “Well once every full moon you bleed between your legs, you must suck a hunting, you stay here. And you’ll always stay here even though when you don’t bleed, you are the best hunter we have.” No. I just can’t see that flying. Yes material instincts are also very high, but so are paternal. That is why evolutionary, babies are supposed to look more like the Father. Smart move evolution. I have know some very nurture men, and some very neglect women. I guess some people would through nature vs. nurture in here as argument of why it changed. It really boils down to that fact that it’s a missing link moment. There are two actually; the moment it became the norm and the moment it became expected. There is a difference between those two, that difference might seem insignificant, but it’s HUGE.

I am going to backtrack a little and got back to my last post, about the wage gap myth. It happened again, I just can’t help myself, somebody saying something isn’t true when there are a remarkable amount of facts that back it all up. And I even have my own experience as well. Six months ago, I quit my job of three years and when I did they prompted the guy I trained and had only been working there a year. They gave him a better title than the one I had, I had been championing for a better job title for a little over a year after two people quit and one person was fired, I started doing all of their jobs. When that happened, they gave me about a dollar raise from what I was making, which I still feel like they should have given me more. So they also gave him a raise that was higher than how much I had been making. It was about 50 cents more, but 50 cents makes a big difference when you are working 60 hour weeks. Then the really big kicker was he had to doing less than I had been because they split more of my responsibility between him and two other people.The wage gap is not a myth, I have lived it.

I know I was kind of all over the place to day, but that’s kind of my state of mind right now. Next time I will try to stay more on topic. Got to dash, hope you found something enlightening.