I think we can all agree that they suck. Here is what I am struggling with, we can all be wrong, we both can be right. I remember in my logic class in college, my Professor said, “You can’t make a logical proof for an emotional argument. Emotions are not logical and no follow the law of logic.” I always think about this when I feel I am being overly emotional about a logical problem. Relationship though, that is the ultimate quandary. They are emotional based no matter what you say, so how can you think something through with logic for something so illogically? We can all know and see our mistake, we can see our partner’s mistakes. We can be highly critical of both. How do you step back and lot at this from all perspective with feeling like you are the wronged party or the other person is wrong.
The point I want to get to in my life is to acknowledge my mistake and my partner’s so we can both learn from them and find a compromise. I don’t want to win, I don’t even want to feel like I am right.
We think of arguments as one side, the right one and the wrong one. That isn’t always the case. I don’t want to think that way, especially when I can see my own mistakes or missteps. “You hurt the ones you love,” right? Because we know their raw spots. We know just were to poke to get a reaction and then we have to set there and wonder why we wanted that reaction. Was it even the right reaction even if it was an over reaction?
I have an argument with my husband. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid, but I was frustrated with the situation.We both know we have problems with communications sometimes, it’s hard to put raw emotions into words without throwing blame. Blame is an awful thing. It scars us. I don’t want that. Then sometimes when you say what you really mean, it doesn’t just scar, it slashes. It cuts so deep you pray the other person recovers from it. “I wish I was worth you being late.” After our argument from the night before, it infuriated. I know it did.
Finding the right words in the moment feels impossible.
I want to talk about our issues. I apologize and now I wait in limbo for my husband to be ready to talk when I get home because he doesn’t want to talk via text. We wants to talk face to face. I understand that, but also more worried about it. As a child of divorce and seeing so many of my friends and family going through this right now, it’s hard not to feel like I am going through a panic attack every time I have a fight with my husband. Terrified that this is going to be it and he is going to be done with me for do. There aren’t really grounds for that, we pretty solid about 90% of the time, which I always feel it pretty damn good for a couple that has been together for 7 years, married to 4. It’s my biggest fear rising it’s ugly head once again.
I was thinking about all this this morning and I had a funny though. My husband and I play a lot of tabletop RPG’s. He is usually the game master, but I try every once in a while, really so he can play. I read quite a bit about how to run a good game while I first started, (and try and continue), and really here is what you are trying to do: You are not there to kill your characters, you are not there to “win,” you are there to tell a story.
I am trying to tell a story. I am trying to tell the best story, with all the right decisions. I am not trying to spring trap, I am no there to sabotage. I do want to keep it interesting, but not to frustrate or anger. I will get angry, I will have bad days. My feelings are valid, but not always right and should not be directed at the object of my affection.
I need to find a way to not patch it, but actually repair the mistakes I have made. To not only talk it through, but really feel like there is going to be some change in the future.
When I was getting married I was super nervous as someone who said I would never get married, (see fear of abandonment above), so I solicited advice from all the females in my family about how to have a good marriage. I have tried to keep what they all said in mind, the biggest one was “don’t go to bed angry,” which I have done and it is not good. The one I always have to remind myself about is, “you don’t have to be right.” Do you want to be right or happy? I’d rather be happy, but I don’t want that sense of wrong to fester either, build.
When I was a kid I was really good at bottling up my emotions until they exploded. Not a healthy way to live. Definitely not a good way to stay married.
The thing I keep getting stuck on is saying “I’m sorry.” I get frustrated by my own saying it, but feel guilty when I don’t. Why frustrated? I was raised to say I am sorry when I do something wrong. I am used to the other person apologizing too for their part of the argument. I’m like shaking hands to say we’re go. When my husband says “okay” to my apology, it gets me all worked up again. I don’t want him to apologize because he feels obligated to do so, but because he actually want to. He wants to know that we have both forgiven and can move past this problem. I need to express that to him tonight. I really not sure what he is going to say and I think that is way I have a belly ache.
I don’t have a lot of friends and most of them are friends with him to. Some I don’t think will have the same derision I do when it comes to sensitive topics like my love life. I used to be far more open about those things, but maybe it’s because I am older or I have been burned to many times by people sharing things I did not want them to share. I want to talk to someone, but I really don’t know who and I need to talk to him. Six hours before I can go home and do so. This is going to be a very, very long day. Try to be good at work and not get too distracted. Needed to get that out. Try and be better. Hope for the best from this.